God, if this is not your will, take it away, because I won't see it

"God, if this is not your will, take it away, because I won't see it."


I have only sincerely prayed that prayer once in my life. It is a scary and big prayer especially when the thing you are praying it about is something you really really want to happen. It was several months before I was suppose to marry my college boyfriend. I already had my wedding dress and the flowers, cake and catering had been ordered. The brides maids were chosen and the honeymoon was booked. The invitations were at the printer and yet, I had secret doubts. They were doubts that I actually had often, but would never admit to anyone, including myself, except for this one brief and honest encounter with God.


I prayed that prayer and then my worst fear happened, God took him away. And just as I had said in the prayer, I did not see it. Truthfully, I didn't understand it for a long time. My world had been pulled apart. A year and a half later, I still did not understand it. I actually found a diary from that time in my life and this is what I wrote, "I'm tired of missing him. When does it end? I'm tired of hurting because of him. I just feel so jumbled up inside. I feel very fragile and weak and like there is no one to help me stand. I feel crazy. Maybe I need some sort of medicine."


And then, just as I had convinced myself that this was as good as it gets, and I would never find real love or passion again, I met Rich. Then the real miracle happened and God started drawing me back to Himself and for the first time, I made Jesus Christ the Lord of my life. I have been saved since I was 12 years old but it was not until this moment at age 26, almost 3 years after the "God take it away" prayer, did I commit to making Him Lord of my life. Then, I understood.


I understood that my former boyfriend/fiance had been my choice, not God's. I understood Jeremiah 29:11, "'for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I understood that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. I understood that His ways are way better than my ways! I understood that although I had NEVER been faithful, He always had. I understood that even when I don't understand, His will is still better than mine.


Hebrews 12:7-8,11 says "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons...No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."


The bottom line is we are spoiled little brats who want our way and God has to get that out of us. And if we are truly His child, then He is committed to our discipline and He will continue until we have learned our lesson. The key is not to ask for God to stop the pain and suffering and just give us what we want, the key is to ask God to stop our want and make it His will.