Thursday, June 4, 2009

Sleep

I have insomnia. It is not a fun thing to have. When I was in college it came in handy because it seems to increase when I am under stress so I was able to study for finals and still be fairly clear headed for the tests. That is the weird thing with insomnia, you aren't really tired the next day. I will be tired in a few days when this particular episode is over, but during the actual insomnia, not tired.

I am irritable though. Partly because I get frustrated because I so much want to sleep. I don't sleep and I am not tired but I don't get all the benefits of sleep, like increased patience, better perspective on life, that renewing that you get from sleep. So instead, it just feels like the end of a long day all the time, with all of those long day anxieties and irritability.

One thing that has helped has been to get up a pray during these times. I usually start my prayer with, "Well, since I am awake, God, I am holding you to the promise that says come to Me all who are weary and I will give you rest." He does give me rest, but ultimately, it is probably my sinful nature that causes my insomnia. God tells us not to be anxious for tomorrow and yet, here I am, being all anxious. He tells us that He has gone before us and worked out the details and yet I churn them over and over in my mind. I understand in my head that He is in control and not me, but I still try and control. I do what I know I shouldn't, then I get angry with myself for doing it, all the while continuing in the destructive behavior.

How do you move that head knowledge of God's competence and my complete lack of it the 18 inches south that it must travel to enter my heart and soul and truly start making a difference in how I live my life? I wish there was a formula. I wish I could just will it to be so. I know it has something to do with surrender. I know it's about leaning hard on God and not my own abilities. But what are the steps to get there?

Today, I don't have answers, just prayers. God, I so truly want to lean on you and not be anxious but I don't know how. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Once Saved?

My pastor just gave a sermon answering the question: Can you lose your salvation? He said no, you can't. He sited a great deal from God's word to back up this answer. One of the reasons I like my pastor is because he says that it doesn't matter what we think, it matters what God thinks and what He says in His word.

I have had trouble with the "once saved always saved" philosophy in the past not because of what the bible says, but because of people. For example, what about Judas? Was he really saved? Did he go to heaven? And the biggest sticking point I have is my brother. When we were growing up, my brother seemed to have a genuine relationship with Christ. I saw the fruit of his relationship with Christ through his actions, his songs, he attended bible study and prayed. He would call me out when he thought I was going against God's word. As a matter of fact, he was the first person to ever tell me, "You know, you don't get to heaven just because mom and dad believe. You have to believe it and know it for yourself." But now my brother says that he doesn't see how anyone could be separate from God so therefore, he sees no need for a savior. Does this mean he never really believed in the first place or that he has "changed his mind?" We are human after all and we do change are minds on all kinds of things, does God permit mind changing? Isn't that part of free will?

However, I don't know how to reconcile that with things like the fact that we are a new creation in Christ. The old man passes away and the new man emerges. Once we are new, can we be old again? Once we are "born again," can you get unborn?

One thing that God has been teaching me recently is to come to Him with these kinds of questions and allow Him to reconcile them with His word. And truthfully, when I look at His word, I have no question. I believe that once a person is saved, and has a true salvation experience that it is impossible for them to turn from God even if we do have the free will to do so. How can you experience the Holy Spirit coursing through your soul and ever throw that away forever? Now, my past is full of years that were wasted by not following the Lord. I remember the day that I prayed and told God that I was tired of doing things His way and I wanted to try things my way for awhile, but even in my darkest, most selfish times, I still knew that God was real and that His Son had died for my petty little worthless life and if I were being really honest with myself (which I rarely did in that time) that I was simply spitting in His face and putting a high hand to the very one who gave me the free will to do so. But in that time, I never even once doubted that Jesus had died for my sins. If I had died during that time of my life, I do think I would have gone to heaven. I probably would be living in an outhouse and my heaven job would have been pooper scouper, but I know I would have made it.

I guess the thing is, we can't see inside anyone's heart. My brother's life shows no evidence of redemption but I have no idea what he thinks or believes in his soul. I don't know if he is putting a high hand to God and will one day repent as I did or if he simply wore Jesus like a suit earlier in his life and never really accepted Him as a personal Lord and Saviour. What I do know is my role and that is to pray for him and for all those who are not saved. God says he doesn't want anyone to perish and he says that the prayers of the saints will avail much. So therefore, I pray for Scott. No matter how long it takes, I pray. Even when I am angry with him and don't want to, I pray. And I am reminded of the awesomeness of a God who sacrificed so much for someone so worthless as me. I am also reminded that God can change the heart of anyone. He changed the heart of Saul, David, and countless others. He changed my heart, he can change a heart even as hard as my brother's.

Lord, you're a big God and I ask for big things. Soften the hearts of those who reject you. Draw them to Yourself. Bring true Hope to this country. Your will, not mine. Amen.