Life Changing Moments

My Pastor on Sunday talked about those times in our lives when we have life changing moments, such as Saul did on the road to Damascus. I began to think about my own personal life changing moments. I thought about the day I asked Jesus to be my Savior. I was 12 years old and sitting with my Daddy in the balcony at church and it hit me that I was allowed to make the decision to follow Christ all by myself. I had been asking questions for several weeks and at that moment, I just knew. I remember telling my Daddy that I was going to go down front when Dr. Marsh gave the invitation and Daddy said, "don't you want to wait until next week? We will buy you a new dress and then you can go." I remember thinking, "what if next week is too late?" and I said to Daddy, "I don't think God cares if I have a new dress on or not."

When I think ahead to my next life changing moment, it happened sometime during my senior year in high school when I decided that I was tired of being good. I was tired of following the rules, always doing the right thing and 'never having any fun.' So even though I knew that it was wrong, I made a conscience decision to stop doing things God's way and start trying them my own way. I remember even praying and telling God that I was going to to this. In a sense, this was my 'throwing out the fleece' to God. He claims that His ways are better than my ways and I wanted to test Him and see if He was right. I had a best friend, Dudley, who told me she couldn't be my friend if this was the path I was choosing, and yet I did it anyway.

As it turns out, I'm not that smart. My ways are not only far worse than God's ways, they are probably a lot worse than most people in the world. After years of inevitably bad decisions, bad situations, destructive behavior, heart breaking moments and fleeting fun, I finally came to another life changing moment. Rich and I were dating and for whatever reason (my mom's paryers and the power of the Holy Spirit), we decided to start going to church. We landed at Horizon Christian Fellowship one Sunday when they were having a special traveling ministry called Potter's Field Ministry. After the guy did his thing, I distinctively remember God speaking to me. He said, "So, you've been trying it your way, how's that workin' out for ya?" I began to cry (of course) and then God said, "Are you ready for what I have for you? It's more than you can ever ask or imagine." That is the day I made Jesus Lord of my life.

I don't believe that I lost my salvation during my rebellious years; I truly knew that Jesus is the Son of God who came to die on the cross for my sins and rose again from the dead in three days. I knew that He had gone to prepare a place for me in Heaven one day. What I hadn't done is given Him control of my life. I hadn't died to myself so He could live through me. In some ways, that is the most troubling part for people when they hear my story. I have often been asked, "How could you do all those things knowing they were wrong? How do you so willfully go against the God who saved you?"

My answer is I didn't know the value of my salvation or the depth of my own wickedness. I thought I was smart and that all the rules were just to keep me from having fun. I thought I was entitled to salvation, not that it was a gift that I didn't deserve and had come at an extremely high cost. Although I truly hope no one ever has to live the life I have led, or experience some of the heartache and consequences that I have suffered for my sins, I would never trade the lessons that I have from my broken and 'checkered' past. God taught me that I am weak and He is not. He showed me that I can do nothing but destroy myself and those around me apart from Him. But mostly, He showed me, no, imprinted on my heart and soul, how far He had to go to save my ungrateful, selfish, arrogant behind. He says in His word that "He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it." It was God who began the work, so He was going to complete it not matter how hard I tried to screw it up. He also says that He uses all things for good for those who are in Christ Jesus. God used those years of self destruction and self indulgence to show me the depths of my own wickedness and the height of His grace and love.

Now, when I say that I am saved, I rarely can even say it without tears coming to my eyes, because I know in all too vivid detail exactly what I am saved from. Thank you Lord, for not giving up on me and for reaching into the depths to pull me out. May I never forget how truly helpless and stupid I really am without You.

First day of School

Korey and Krissy had there first day of Preschool at Trinity on Tuesday. Korey went to Preschool last year as well and she just couldn't wait to return. Since she is actually in the same room as she was last year, she went it without missing a beat. This was Krissy's very first day of preschool ever. She was so excited and couldn't wait to start. She walked in the door and didn't even turn around to say goodbye to Rich and me. I cried once I got to the car and Rich took me to Starbucks just because we could. (I had the worst cappuccino I have ever had in my life, by the way).

I can't believe that they are growing up so fast. I am happy to have a few hours without them every week and I know it is great for them. I just LOVE Trinity and they are so happy to go to school, but at the same time, my heart just breaks that one day they will be too big to snuggle in my lap. One day, a kiss and a colorful band aid on the "boo boo" won't heal the wound. Eventually, they will be counting the seconds until I leave them alone when now they just can't wait until I come home. Someday, they will want to dress themselves!

I wonder if my mom still misses the little snugly moments with me. I wonder if my heart will change and I will begin to long for a different, more mature relationship with my daughters once they outgrow peek a boo and hide and go seek. I certainly hope so because I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life as a mother who simply longs to have a baby again. I am sure God has designed the parent child relationship to grow and mature just as a relationship with our spouse grows and matures.

I also pray that they will always need a snuggle from mom every once in a while, no matter what the age. I know I do form my mom. There is just nothing like the feel of your Mama's arms around you to make you feel like all is right in the world. Mama, thank you for being the greatest mom in the world. I hope my girls think of me as I think of you.

turning bad things into good

My daughter, Korey, is the "bad words" police in our house. If you say a word that she knows she is not allowed to say, then she will tell you that you can't say that word! She said a funny thing today. After reprimanding Rich for saying the word "stupid," (one of the bad words), she told him, "I am trying to turn all of my bad things into good things," and she explained to him that she says 'silly' instead of 'stupid.'

Korey is starting to explore spiritual things a little closer these days. The other day in the car she said she was eating her piece of cheese so she could share it with God. When I asked her what she meant, she said that since God lives in her heart, she had to eat the cheese to share it with Him.

I realized that I am seeing the Holy Spirit working on my little girl's 3-year-old heart and mind. She may not understand all that it means for God to live in your heart or that our whole life process is about dieing to self and living for Christ, yet through the Spirit, I am convinced He is helping her to understand those very truths on her level. She has a desire for the things that God wants, like turning her bad things into good. She thinks about God living in her heart, I dare say, she is abiding in Christ by wanting Him to share her cheese.

Maybe I am overspiritualizing just some sweet and funny things that my daughter said, but I would rather believe that the Spirit works on those of us He has chosen from the moment we are born. It spurs me on to pray more for her and for myself. It makes me want to be a better parent and better child of God. It makes me want to memorize scripture so I can turn cute sayings into teachable moments. Wouldn't it have been great if I had been able to quote Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose." Or to be able to have a conversation about John 15:4, "Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me."

My walk with God in no longer just about me, it is now the example that my girls see of Christ and what it is like to live a life for Him. Lord, help me not screw up too badly.

Abuser of God's Grace

I was searching for something on the Internet when I cam across a message board. I started randomly reading some posts and in one of the posts the girl was saying how she keeps committing the same sin over and over again. She called herself an abuser of God's grace. I thought that was a very cool way to say it. I am so often an abuser of Gods' grace. I know He will forgive me so I will continue to do something that I know is wrong.

Actually, more often than not, in my case it is I will continue to NOT do something that I know God wants me to do. For example, how many times do I grumble in my head about what other people aren't doing for me instead of focusing on what I should be doing for them? And how many times do I wonder why I am not hearing from God when I do all the talking in my prayer time and don't leave anytime for Him to answer?

Lord, forgive me for being an abuser of Your grace. Help me to be the bond servant Your deserve from me.

Freedom

I love July 4th. I am one of those people who gets teary eyed when I sing the national anthem (which I will need to work on if I ever want to sing it at a baseball game!). I guess it's because I used to work for the Navy in San Diego. I worked for the Morale, Welfare and Recreation Department at Naval Station, San Diego. It was a great job, but it made me acutely aware that these guys that are going off to war are babies. Seriously, an eighteen year old can go off to war? It is just hard for me to believe that a person, especially a boy, can make life or death decisions at such a young age.

I also can't help but remember the book, All's Quiet on the Western Front. If you haven't read the book, read it, it's a classic for a reason, and it made me realize that a soldier is killing another person, not an idea or an army, but a person, just like themselves. Don't get me wrong, I am not against war. I do believe that war is the necessary answer sometimes because we, as humans, are complete idiots for the most part and sometimes that is the only way to get through to us. In the Old Testament, there are many examples of God directing His people to go to war; and I certainly don't believe that America or Americans should sit idly by while dictators oppress their people or while armies commit genocide in the name of hatred. My heart aches for the children in Dar fur and I thank God that He chose for me to be born in America.

I think it's important to remember that our country's freedom and opportunities were built on the back of eighteen and nineteen year old children, and many of those children died for this cause. We owe it to them to make the most of our lives and opportunities that we have in this country. We owe it to them to stand up for what we believe in and to participate in the system to make this country even better. We complain about things getting so bad in America and how we are no longer a Godly nation, but we don't really do anything else but complain.

I hear people say all the time that freedom isn't free, but honestly, for me it really was free. I didn't go and fight for it; I am not sitting at home praying that my son, brother, daddy or husband will come home safely from the war. And because for most of us it is free, it causes us to be complacent and ungrateful for our freedom. We don't value the things that are free or easy to us. I don't want to raise children that don't truly understand what it means to be free. I don't want to shield my girls from the horrors of Dar fur or what is happening in Iraq. I want them to be grateful to God and to those who died for our freedom.

As a Christian, I am so grateful to Jesus for dieing for my sins and raising again from the dead in order to give me freedom from my sin and eternal separation. Everyday of my life I thank God for that freedom. Shouldn't I also be grateful for the freedom I experience here on earth in America? Shouldn't I thank God that He allowed men and women to sacrifice their lives so that I might live in this blessed place?

Luke 12:48 says, "Much is required from those to whom much is given, and much more is required from those to whom much more is given."

I have been given so much: Freedom for eternity and freedom on earth. Both of which required the payment of death and neither of which did I pay myself.

Lord, thank you for dieing for my sins and raising again from the dead so I can spend eternity with You in heaven. And thank you for America and for those who died for my earthly freedom. I do not know why you chose for me to live here, in this time and place, but I ask that I fulfill Your plan for my life so I may honor You and those who made my life in a free country possible.

Lessons about the Wilderness

I think it's interesting that when God is teaching me a lesson, He uses everyone and everything around me. One of the things He is teaching me now is about the wilderness, which I thought was strange, since I don't really feel like I am in a wilderness stage of life.

At the Deeper Still conference, the first person to speak was Priscilla Shirer. She talked about the Israelites being in the wilderness and how God was teaching them to rest in that stage and that God was preparing them to see Him at Mt. Sinai. He prepared them by reminding them of what He had done for them (Delivering them from Slavery, parting the Red Sea), having them recognize their spiritual identity (God's chosen, Holy Priesthood) and by asking them to give a new level of surrender. It was only after this new level of surrender (Exodus 19:7-8 - All that the Lord has spoken, we will do) that God comes to Mt. Sinai, shows them His Glory, allows them to hear His voice and gives them the 10 Commandments.

Last Sunday, I was asked to teach the Elementary kids at a different church and the story was David and Goliath. When I was studying to do the lesson, the thing that jumped out at me is that when David heard Goliath ask for them to send someone to fight, his first thought wasn't , "oh my gosh, this guy is huge," or "I should be scared because the entire army is scared." Instead, David looked at the truth of God's word. He said, "Who is this pagan Philistine anyway, that he is allowed to defy the armies of God?" (1 Samuel 17:26). David didn't look at the circumstances or even think about how one might beat a 9'9" giant, he just knew that God said that the Israelites were His people and that He would protect them. He stood on what the Israelites had learned in the wilderness: Remember what He has done for you in the past, know your spiritual identity and go to the next level of surrender. David was willing to be surprised by God. He didn't know how, but he knew God would defeat Goliath so David leaned on that faith and went for it.

I guess God wanted to make sure I heard what He was saying to me (and I think He likes to work in threes) so my pastor at Oak Leaf Church on Sunday was also preaching about the wilderness and the battle of Jericho. Once again, the Israelites were prepared in the same three ways: Remembering the past, knowing their spiritual identity and taking a new level of surrender. I know that if someone asked me to walk around a wall for 7 days blowing trumpets, I would have questions, but they too were willing to be surprised by what God would do. That takes a measure of faith, but more than that, it takes surrender.

God taught me that I am not in the wilderness, but many people around me are in that stage of life. I need to be ready to share the hope that is within me. I must be reminded of what God has done for me in the past, how God has pulled me from the pit of my own sin and bad choices. I need to stand strong in my spiritual identity as a child of God, an heir to His kingdom, and place my self worth in His unchanging love. I also need to be ready to go to that next level of surrender; dieing to myself, more and more everyday. The cool part is that means I will get to be surprised by what God does. I like surprises!

Mentoring

There is nothing like being a mentor to another person to make you realize your own inadequacies and run to the word of God. When we asked Michelle to move in with us several months ago, I knew it was from God, and I knew we would all be blessed by the experience, but I had no idea of the weight of the responsibility. I guess I have always been the "mentee" in my "mentor" relationships in the past. I was always the one learning, not the one teaching. I used to take Kung Fu martial arts and one of my teachers would say, "to do is to learn, to teach is to keep." That is so true. Now that I am a mom and a "mentor," I feel a greater responsibility to be in the word, to be in constant communication with God.

I guess the biggest thing is that I now rely much more on God's wisdom and His strength than on my own. The secret wisdom of getting older is that we don't actually know anything, so we have to rely on God for everything. When I was 23, I was sure I knew everything and had the world all figured out. I wasn't quite sure why all the older folks didn't just do things my way! Honestly, I still think that sometimes, but the older I get, the more I realize that I do not know the road ahead and I certainly wasn't around when God made the oceans or flung the stars from His hand. So who am I to think that I know anything!

I am so glad that I am able to be a mentor. I am learning so much more about myself, my capacity to love, to grow, to learn and to teach. It humbles me to want to continue to grow in my relationship with God and it makes me excited about the relationship I will hopefully have with my daughters when they are older. I am also become more dependant on God's word, than anyone else's. When I was a "mentee," I relied on the word of my mentor, sometimes even above God and now I feel that I wait until I am sure of God's direction before I move forward.

WOW. I guess I am growing up!

Lord, thank you for the responsibility of being a mentor. Keep me under Your wing, and keep your words in my mouth. May my life continue to walk closer to You and reflect Your Glory.