Life Changing Moments

My Pastor on Sunday talked about those times in our lives when we have life changing moments, such as Saul did on the road to Damascus. I began to think about my own personal life changing moments. I thought about the day I asked Jesus to be my Savior. I was 12 years old and sitting with my Daddy in the balcony at church and it hit me that I was allowed to make the decision to follow Christ all by myself. I had been asking questions for several weeks and at that moment, I just knew. I remember telling my Daddy that I was going to go down front when Dr. Marsh gave the invitation and Daddy said, "don't you want to wait until next week? We will buy you a new dress and then you can go." I remember thinking, "what if next week is too late?" and I said to Daddy, "I don't think God cares if I have a new dress on or not."

When I think ahead to my next life changing moment, it happened sometime during my senior year in high school when I decided that I was tired of being good. I was tired of following the rules, always doing the right thing and 'never having any fun.' So even though I knew that it was wrong, I made a conscience decision to stop doing things God's way and start trying them my own way. I remember even praying and telling God that I was going to to this. In a sense, this was my 'throwing out the fleece' to God. He claims that His ways are better than my ways and I wanted to test Him and see if He was right. I had a best friend, Dudley, who told me she couldn't be my friend if this was the path I was choosing, and yet I did it anyway.

As it turns out, I'm not that smart. My ways are not only far worse than God's ways, they are probably a lot worse than most people in the world. After years of inevitably bad decisions, bad situations, destructive behavior, heart breaking moments and fleeting fun, I finally came to another life changing moment. Rich and I were dating and for whatever reason (my mom's paryers and the power of the Holy Spirit), we decided to start going to church. We landed at Horizon Christian Fellowship one Sunday when they were having a special traveling ministry called Potter's Field Ministry. After the guy did his thing, I distinctively remember God speaking to me. He said, "So, you've been trying it your way, how's that workin' out for ya?" I began to cry (of course) and then God said, "Are you ready for what I have for you? It's more than you can ever ask or imagine." That is the day I made Jesus Lord of my life.

I don't believe that I lost my salvation during my rebellious years; I truly knew that Jesus is the Son of God who came to die on the cross for my sins and rose again from the dead in three days. I knew that He had gone to prepare a place for me in Heaven one day. What I hadn't done is given Him control of my life. I hadn't died to myself so He could live through me. In some ways, that is the most troubling part for people when they hear my story. I have often been asked, "How could you do all those things knowing they were wrong? How do you so willfully go against the God who saved you?"

My answer is I didn't know the value of my salvation or the depth of my own wickedness. I thought I was smart and that all the rules were just to keep me from having fun. I thought I was entitled to salvation, not that it was a gift that I didn't deserve and had come at an extremely high cost. Although I truly hope no one ever has to live the life I have led, or experience some of the heartache and consequences that I have suffered for my sins, I would never trade the lessons that I have from my broken and 'checkered' past. God taught me that I am weak and He is not. He showed me that I can do nothing but destroy myself and those around me apart from Him. But mostly, He showed me, no, imprinted on my heart and soul, how far He had to go to save my ungrateful, selfish, arrogant behind. He says in His word that "He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it." It was God who began the work, so He was going to complete it not matter how hard I tried to screw it up. He also says that He uses all things for good for those who are in Christ Jesus. God used those years of self destruction and self indulgence to show me the depths of my own wickedness and the height of His grace and love.

Now, when I say that I am saved, I rarely can even say it without tears coming to my eyes, because I know in all too vivid detail exactly what I am saved from. Thank you Lord, for not giving up on me and for reaching into the depths to pull me out. May I never forget how truly helpless and stupid I really am without You.