God, if this is not your will, take it away, because I won't see it

"God, if this is not your will, take it away, because I won't see it."


I have only sincerely prayed that prayer once in my life. It is a scary and big prayer especially when the thing you are praying it about is something you really really want to happen. It was several months before I was suppose to marry my college boyfriend. I already had my wedding dress and the flowers, cake and catering had been ordered. The brides maids were chosen and the honeymoon was booked. The invitations were at the printer and yet, I had secret doubts. They were doubts that I actually had often, but would never admit to anyone, including myself, except for this one brief and honest encounter with God.


I prayed that prayer and then my worst fear happened, God took him away. And just as I had said in the prayer, I did not see it. Truthfully, I didn't understand it for a long time. My world had been pulled apart. A year and a half later, I still did not understand it. I actually found a diary from that time in my life and this is what I wrote, "I'm tired of missing him. When does it end? I'm tired of hurting because of him. I just feel so jumbled up inside. I feel very fragile and weak and like there is no one to help me stand. I feel crazy. Maybe I need some sort of medicine."


And then, just as I had convinced myself that this was as good as it gets, and I would never find real love or passion again, I met Rich. Then the real miracle happened and God started drawing me back to Himself and for the first time, I made Jesus Christ the Lord of my life. I have been saved since I was 12 years old but it was not until this moment at age 26, almost 3 years after the "God take it away" prayer, did I commit to making Him Lord of my life. Then, I understood.


I understood that my former boyfriend/fiance had been my choice, not God's. I understood Jeremiah 29:11, "'for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I understood that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. I understood that His ways are way better than my ways! I understood that although I had NEVER been faithful, He always had. I understood that even when I don't understand, His will is still better than mine.


Hebrews 12:7-8,11 says "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons...No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."


The bottom line is we are spoiled little brats who want our way and God has to get that out of us. And if we are truly His child, then He is committed to our discipline and He will continue until we have learned our lesson. The key is not to ask for God to stop the pain and suffering and just give us what we want, the key is to ask God to stop our want and make it His will.

Leviticus

I just finished Leviticus in my BSF bible study. For many people it was grueling and they couldn't wait for it to be over. It is a very misunderstood book in the bible. I love Leviticus. The first time a studied it was at my old church in San Diego, Horizon Christian Fellowship. The pastor who did the study is a microbiologist and he had amazing insight into every aspect of every little instruction that God gave the Hebrews. He presented it as a book that is a guidebook to worship and a book of prophecy. This time around, I learned even more and Leviticus has once again changed the way I look at God and my relationship with Him. Here is some of what I've learned in the past few weeks in no particular order:
1. We are no longer under God's wrath, but under His grace. When the Israelites didn't obey God's commands He had a LONG list of devastating things that would happen to them. Now, although we may suffer great consequences for our sin, we do not live under the threat of Gd's ultimate wrath. When I go to God in prayer, no matter what state I am in currently, He sees me through the blood of His Son. He sees me as His own child, living in His complete grace. He wants to spend time with me. He meets me right where I am in whatever state I am in.
2. I am completely poor. I own nothing, and am owed nothing. Everything I have is given to me as a gift from God, including the very air I breath every day. Therefore, everything I have should be treated as God's property and taken care of in that way.
3. Israel was a theocracy. Because we are not, the US will never run like Israel did.
4. God dwelled among the people in the form of a cloud that was over the Tent of Meeting (Tabernacle). God wants to dwell among His people today, have I set Him a place in the center of my life? Do I act like He is dwelling among us and within me?
5. The Israelites had to wait for the cloud to move before they could move closer to the promised land and further on there journey. Do I wait for God to move in my life or do I try and force things, because I want something to go faster.
6. God spends a great deal of time teaching the Israelites lessons through waiting. Many of His commandments to them had to do with stopping, waiting and focusing on God, instead of themselves, work or anything else. God really, really means it. He really wants us to live a restful life and one focused on Him.
7. The only mention of retirement in the bible is to the Levites. They were told they had to retire at age 50. I think this means that God truly desires a life completely dedicated, and set apart for Him.
8. The book of Leviticus is almost entirely the exact words of God, more than any other book in the bible.
9. It took lots and lots of blood to cover sins. Thank God for Jesus.
10. God is a God of details, order, compassion, faith and holiness.
11. God asks us to be holy, set apart, and to be godly, to reflect His character. We learn of God's grace and love in the New Testament, but we learn God's character in the Old Testament. We are cheating ourselves and being short sided in our relationship with Him if we don't study both.
12. Hebrews is the new testament commentary to Leviticus. I am in the process of reading that now. I will write what I have learned from Hebrews when I am done.

God is good all the time.

Some things I've learned from my dog

As most people know, I have two dogs. Buster Rhymes Nagel, the basset hound, and Frank Zappa Nagel, the dachshund. They are both pretty funny dogs, both were rescues and have "issues" but we love them dearly. Buster is my favorite and yes, I am allowed to have a favorite dog. I can't have a favorite kid, but I can with dogs. Buster use to go to work with me everyday and he even had his own jobs at the animal center. Since we have moved to Georgia, he is retired and has taken on a life of leisure. I was watching him the other day and realized that I have learned a great deal from that silly boy.



Some things I have learned from my dog:



A good stretch and big yawn, sometimes makes you want to go right back to bed.



Worry is a useless emotion; it stresses you out and makes you want to eat through the front door, but in the end, it just gets you splinters in your tongue. It's much more productive to take a nap and let God worry for you.



Even people who love you are mean to you sometimes. It's best to leave them alone, go back to your doghouse and in a few minutes come back with forgiveness in your heart and your tail wagging. By then, you've forgotten what happened anyway.



Being quick to forgive and quick to give love can heal just about any wound in anyone that is around you.



There's never a bad time to take a nap.



Squirrels are evil.



Trust and complete obedience in the One who holds your future (and the key to the dog food) is the only way to go.



Bigger ears don't necessarily mean you can hear better, it just means you are more likely to trip over them when you get really excited chasing a squirrel.

Kudzu or Oak Tree

I blame facebook for the reason that I have not posted in so long. I started using it about the time of my last post and well, the rest is history. I like it, most of the time, but it does suck up alot of time. It has been fun reconnecting with old friends and finding out what people are up to. Most of the time, connecting with old friends it wonderful, but occasionally, it brings up emotions that I thought I was past. If you ever went to your high school reunion, you can probably relate. It doesn't matter how much time has past, we somehow still gravitated to those old groups, those old feelings and the old junk that made high school such an emotionally draining time. Some people I would like to simply say I am sorry to, for not being the friend I should have been to them. For others I want to thank them for being a positive influence in my life long after they were actually present in my day to day. And yet others simply bring up memories that I had always thought were better left unexplored.

God has a strange way of nudging us to deal with the things that may be holding us back or hurting us in some way. He is a gentle and quiet leader who simply points to the memory and says, "It's time to deal with this one, my dear." He patiently waits until we are ready to respond.

A pastor at my church in San Diego once gave a sermon on memories and why we have them. In a nutshell, he said that God wants us to not only remember where we came from and how He has always faithfully brought us through every situation, but he also wants us to remember just how weak we really are without Him.

I was watching a music video (something I never do, actually) and there were two kids planting a seed. God decided to teach me a lesson right then and there. It is when we are the smallest we can possibly be, covered with six inches of mud that we are desperate enough to search with abandon for His light. We start reaching toward the sky in faith, since we cannot yet even see that light. Then one day, after lots of work, we come into His marvelous light, and we look down and notice that the work and hardship has allowed us to grow out of that small seed we once were and into the thriving plant He always wanted us to be. Journeys through painful situations are not meant to be easy, if they were, we would just be Kudzu instead of an Oak tree.

Krissy as Aurora

Krissy is going to be Aurora for Halloween. It just doesn't get cuter than this!

I received this update on Jenna. Thank you and keep praying!

"Jenna is doing much better this evening. She is completely off the respirator and heart medication and is only taking Tylenol with codeine for pain. This is a young lady who just had heart surgery yesterday! I would call this a miracle. The doctors are thinking about moving her into a regular room tomorrow if all stays well as he thinks it will.Thank you all for you prayers, they are working. Nancy and Everett (Jenna's Grandparents) thanks all of you for you love, support and prayers during this very frightening time."

God listens and responds to the prayers of his people. I don't understand why or how. I often wonder why God is mindful of our lives at all, but I know He is and He loves us. I also know that praying for Jenna has helped me to stay outside myself and focus more on the true reason I am on earth at all: To love God with all my heart, mind and soul and to love my neighbor as myself.

Jenna update

Jenna had open heart surgery yesterday. Among other things they replaced one of her heart halves with a pig valve. continue to pray as the next few hours/days after surgery are critical.